Food Faces

Peanut eating bagel and cream cheese

Cake Face

Easter chocolate.... Yum!

Mmmmmmm COOKIE!

Say Cheese!

A little Thanksgiving dinner, Pumpkin?

Pumpkin Man eating blueberries

more blueberries 

Peanut eating peas

Peanut eating sweet potato

It's a Pity Party

For the past few weeks (maybe more) I've been pretty grumpy. I'm having trouble with the balance between work, family, life and me. Welcome to life as a mother, right? Yeah? Not helpful -- but then not much seems to be helpful these days. Looking back, I really struggled with some serious hormones for years (like 4 from the pregnancy with Peanut until Pumpkin was about 1 and I stopped BF). The problem is that now I seem leveled out, but the level is pretty low.

At home, the kids don't sleep (Pumpkin has been getting up at 4:00 AM for the day and Peanut wakes up several times a night), Pumpkin has been whiny, Peanut doesn't eat, the chores are endless, the house is old, the dog's eye is runny, the cats keep puking, and my life is a money pit. I'm tired and short of patience with my family because I'm pretty much wasted by the end of my work day. My job is crazy social, and I'm not. Before we had kids, I used to come home from work and just veg for an hour in silence ( we called it teacher hangover). Now, I don't have that option. I'm just "on" from my waking moment at 5:30 AM until I fall asleep on the couch at 8:30 PM -- and I just can't catch my breath. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to shower alone -- but only sometimes.

At work, I used to be the go to person for many people. In reality, I know I'm not really able to do this anymore, but I have trouble admitting this because my ego is too invested in being uber-capable. The other problem is that most of the people around me are having trouble with my new limitations, too. Some of them won't admit that I'm not everything I used to be because it would mean more work for them, and others just don't notice I guess. Either way, I've never been good at admitting that something was beyond my ability, and I'm not any better now. So this results in days when I skip meals to work, or try to do too many things at once and end up having to start again because I've screwed everything up.

On Thursday, I finally lost it. I had to kick a  kid out of my class because she was loudly profane and absurdly disruptive. When I met with her after class, we tried to have a conversation about it, but I couldn't dig up even an ounce of empathy for this kid. She's going on and on about her horrible life (starting with a rape at age 8 and ending with the birth of her son 4 months ago), and all I could say was, "Hmmmm. Sounds like you need some therapy. You still need to behave in my class."

When I got home, I dumped on HM for making a beautiful dinner because I would have rather had a frozen pizza and less responsibility for the kids. He didn't get my point and was hurt (rightfully so) by my ingratitude. After wallowing in my own guilt and self pity, I broke down and cried at the kitchen table for a while (HM took the kids out of the room). I then announced that my life was overwhelming and that I felt trapped. I fell asleep on the couch a half hour later.

The next day, I finished my tirade by melting down at work. My boss (a truly wonderful woman with whom I've always had a great relationship) accidently pushed me to the end of my rope. I ended up in her office having a very "honest" conversation about my feelings in relation to my job that took almost 2 hours and ended with another tearful announcement that I was trapped in my job and feeling desperate. Then I drove home (normally 25 minutes) in terrible traffic for over an hour and a half.  Dinner was ruined and HM was upset because I hadn't called (sabotaging my career was an impulse move, not a plan). Again, I wallowed in guilt and self pity until I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake to the 2.5 year old kissing me goodnight.

Nice, huh? Tell me it gets better.

Soothing My Husband's Ego

So I forgot to link my husband in the last post, and he's been on me about it since. Apparently, I ruffled his feathers quite thoroughly, high maintenance pain in the neck. Like there's anyone here who doesn't know that he's my husband -- So anyway, here it is. I'm linking his stupid ass: http://musingsfromthebigpink.blogspot.com/

Happy now, dearest?
     -- Kisses,
          Your wife

My Husband Is A Lovely Sugar Doll-- And Now, So Am I

My husband gave me another award (I suspect because he thinks I should blog more), so here I am accepting it. Realistically, he couldn't have not given it to me since it's called the...

Anywhooo, I apparently have to tell ya'll 10 things you likely don't know about me. Here it goes:

The List:

1. I had significant postpartum depression with my first child, but not my second.
2. I was once engaged to my husband's friend, and we were all roommates
3. I cheated on nearly every guy I was ever involved with except my husband 
4. I once beat up a girl during my religion class in high school
5. I have a thing for Jewish men -- Dreyfess (think Jaws, not Mr. Holland's Opus), John Stewart, Seth Green, Adam Horovitz, Adam Sandler, Adam Brody, Kevin Pollack, Paul Rudd, HM...
6. I've traveled the country (twice), but never been to NYC and couldn't care less
7. My first semester of college my blood alcohol level was higher than my GPA
8. I hate subtitled movies and I don't care that it makes me WT
9.  I once ate 9 Taco Bell Tacos in a 1/2 hour to win a bet against my husband -- for a dollar 
10.  My dog died when I was young, and my father told me she went to live on a farm. I believed this until I was 28 years old because clearly any farm wants old, blind, arthritic Irish Setters. Right? 

Now, I get to bestow this award on someone. I know that this award is a silly little thing, but the woman I am choosing is not. I gave her the award because her breast cancer story touched me so much. It's just an arbitrary blog award, but I wanted to let her know that even though we'll probably never meet, her story has affected my life.

1. Farida at Chapters from my Life for her touching post about her brave battle with cancer and the subsequent journey of self discovery. May I one day be as introspective and judicious.  

Should I stay or should I go?

I moved away from the city of my birth when I was 16 years old, and other than the odd holiday or family gathering I didn't go back -- that is until I bought a house there. When my daughter was about 8 months old, my husband and I suddenly and unexpectedly found ourselves looking for a new place to live (long story). We had already made the commitment to being a one income family, so we had to find something that we could afford on my salary alone. And, despite what the republican demagogues would have you believe, school teachers aren't in it for the money.

We decided that we didn't really want to rent for several reasons: 1. our huge moron of a dog, 2. the frustration of spending without equity, 3. rent is as expensive in our area as most mortgages, 4. the American dream of a little house with a yard, 5. wanting to provide roots for our kids, and finally 6. fear of being displaced again with at least one baby (we ended up pregnant again 3 months later).

After an exhaustive search for an affordable neighborhood with decent schools and a reasonable commute for me, we settled on my home town. It was a mistake. The schools are fine but the town itself is in a massive depression and has serious self-image problems. The parks suck, the politics are kind of shady,  the people are xenophobic and many are racist, and the renter to owner ratio is way out of whack.

At the same time, the commute is as good as I can afford, the schools still have strong art and music programs and free preschool for all. The shop owners are friendly and warm -- they stop to smile at my kids and give them treats. It is a 15 minute drive to the ocean, nicer parks, the woods, swimming ponds, and the city. People stop on the street to talk to you, the library is welcoming and family friendly, and the food is great and affordable.

The town tries to make itself something better, but almost everything they do makes no sense. Do we stay and try to make this a better place? Do we go and find something closer to what we want? I feel like a quitter if I cut and run, but at the same time I have no idea what one person can do to change a whole town. Any ideas? What would you do? Seriously, I'm at a loss, and I want your opinions.

And the award goes to.... Me? Gee, thanks!

I'm not a playa, I jus' crush a lot

 

My darling husband gave me my first award, and I am determined to find the time to accept it. I know that statement makes me sound self-important and vain, and I am, but that's not what I currently mean. I talking about how life is doing its damnedest to kick my ass.

First there's the unusual: My brother had a baby shower on Friday, so we had company (well loved and welcome) this weekend in our teeny, pink house. The Pumpkin Man's lips have developed this lovely new violet hue -- "Violet, you're turning violet, Violet!" So we had to go to the doctor's.  The Peanut is losing weight (again), so we had to go to the doctor's, and make appointments for specialists. My (Ivy League) student teacher is a little rigid and petulant, which leads to lengthy conversations about the trials and tribulations of teaching in a poor, urban school.

Then there's the mundane: We didn't un-decorate from Christmas/Hannukah until last night. Peanut is potty training (read: laundry, laundry, and laundry). The Pumpkin Man is getting his molars (read: no sleep for the weary). We haven't slept in my house for three years anyway (if you have advice, kindly keep it to yourself -- after 3 years we've tried it, trust me). My students need letters of recommendations for college and their probation officers. My boss needs a hand with progress reports and cluster meetings have started again.

Add lesson planning, grading, being a mommy, and squeeze in a side of wife -- and you have the current state of my life. Anyway... back to the award. I'm not going to use my 10 on the obvious. So, I'll state them here -- my kids, my husband, my family in general, my brother in specific, my friends, money, books, music, art, rainbows and sunny weekend afternoons. There. Now, on to things that may say something about me.

Things that make me happy:

1. the sound of loons in the evening

2. my job (even if it is hard on some days)

3. the fact that my kids' doctor is very level-headed

4. the excitement of seeing wildlife in the wild

5. fresh cut lilacs, but flowers in general will do

6. Maine anytime except at the height of black fly season

7. weekend morning magical mystery tours with the family

8. water --  everything about it

9. clean bedding

10. and if I'm honest, a "romantic" evening with HM that ends well (wink) -- and if I'm totally honest, it doesn't have to be evening.

As for giving this award, I'm not going to bother anyone with my faint praise, as I have not been doing this nearly long enough to matter. But these are some of the people I enjoy most, and have become part of my reality. If any of you want the award, you have surely earned it in my opinion.

 People who deserve this award:

1. Lenore because she has the coolest, slickest blog I've ever seen. When the teenagers I work with act like they're too cool, I just take a take a reality check with Lenore. She is where it's at.

2. Allie  because she is is so brilliant and crazy that I can't wait to see what she'll do next. Besides, she is the funniest chick on the web.

3. Hossman because he's almost as funny as my husband. Almost. Besides, I think he makes HM a little jealous, which can't be all bad (see 10 on happy list).

4. Girl with a flour in her hair because her writing is so open that it inspires me to be honest, and her cakes look like they rock (my birthday is in June -- hint, hint).

5. Hadjare because I find her perspective refreshing, her writing clever, and her pictures adorable, and I hope to get to know her better. Besides, we both like Joy Harjo.

6. Last but not least, Viv . She almost didn't get it just because my husband gave her one. But what can I say? I adore her, and that's the simple truth.

Mass College of Pharmacy's Burqa Ban -- No Good Can Come of This

I'm going to say something very unpopular -- the college 's original rule banning all face was racist and prejudiced and I am grateful that they rescinded it . I know people are scared, but that is no excuse. We as a nation need to remember the tenants of our own foundation and get back to our roots. We must embrace the core beliefs that make our country great, or we risk compromising our very identity in the act of asking others to compromise theirs. This is not the way to win a war on terror. It is a slippery slope that leads down the road of fascism. Eventually, we will be no better than the extremists we rail against. 

It is wrong to persecute and force assimilation on an entire people because of the actions of a few insane periphery radical extremists (there are an estimated 1.2 to 1.57 billion Muslims, about a quarter of the world's population). I understand that from a security point of view, if kids screw around, it's easier to address if you are able to identify them. But these are not children and this is not fashion. It is religion -- a cornerstone freedom in our great nation. And modesty is a cornerstone of their religion -- it's like forcing nuns to disregard their vows. There better be some mightily damning evidence that shows it is a necessary evil, because asking someone to compromise their religious identity is absolutely an evil: the Inquisition.

Just because it might make life easier doesn't mean it's right. Essentially, women are not terrorists. Realistically, terrorists have not been getting away because they have be wearing masks. Their is no direct causal relationship here. If someone can explain how on earth forcing Muslim American women to disregard a fundamental religious doctrine simply because it engenders  false comfort in non-Muslim Americans is not prejudiced, maybe I'll reconsider my position.

The theory behind the original ban is abstract at best. And in my mind, that is not a good enough reason to ask someone to disregard the orders of their GOD.