Open letter to all the moms that watch me feed my daughter and judge:

Hello, snotty witches.

My babies tend to run small, so a lot of what I planned with my daughter (peanut) became history when she stopped making her weight checks after her first birthday-- not forcing food, offering only whole grains, organics, no sugar or junk, etc... Suddenly, it was McDonalds, trading M&Ms for bites, bribery, sugar, butter, fried food, processed crap, you name it.

Not all babies will eat what they need. I'm sure you are right that most will, but I know first hand that not all will. Once my baby was deemed too thin, I did whatever it took to put weight on her. Let your doctor start talking about tube feedings, developmental delays and genetic testing; let your child be considered borderline "failure to thrive" -- then we'll see how long you can keep singing your holier than thou tune.

I'm sure this wasn't what you meant when you told me that I was spoiling my daughter and giving her bad eating habits, and I know you didn't have this information when you rolled your eyes at me and snickered to your friend behind my back after listening to me beg and negotiate with her to take a few more bites. I just want to point out that there are many roads to good parenting. I'm glad yours is working for you. Now, kindly F-off.

Thanks.

P.S. My children NEVER ate baby food (we made every meal), they don't drink juice and I breastfed peanut for a year and am still going with the pumpkin man. Still feel superior?

Worst label, EVER

My daughter is now 27 months old. At her two year appointment, our pediatrician informed us that she was still "off the chart," which apparently means she weighs less than the entire charted population of American babies. Okay, so I exaggerate, but only a little. Then she busts out with the worst statement I've ever heard. I've heard a lot of bad statements -- "I don't love you anymore," "I don't believe you," "you will not be able to have kids," "she may have trisome 13," "you can't live here anymore," "your father is dead," and the previous title holder: "your mother will live."

So what were these dreaded words? "Failure to thrive."

That's right, folks. the peanut fits the technical definition of "failure to thrive," which basically means she has weighed too little for too long. One possible remedy? Tube feeding while she sleeps. You did read that correctly. They stick a tube down her throat while she sleeps and pump food into her belly. Seriously, can this get worse?

Yes, oh yes, it can. The genetic tests have all come back negative so far, and the main contributer to FTT -- go ahead, you'll never guess. Parental neglect. My 2 year old child -- the one who never ate baby food from a jar, the one who slept in my room until she was 8 months old, the one who was breastfed for a year even though it took seven specialists to teach us how, the one who can count to 50 in English and 10 in Spanish, speaks in 4 to 5 word sentences, recognizes all her letters in print, reads 4 sight words and can really, truly count to 4, -- is possibly neglected? I'm feeling dizzy at this point.

So, what do you do when your precious baby is given this label? We celebrated with nuggets and fries from McDonalds.

This Old House

We suck at home improvement stuff. It doesn't really bother me, but it depresses my husband, Homemaker Man. I figure we'll just hire someone to fix things when we have the money, but he feels like its his "job" to fix stuff around the house. The problem is that we live in a house that was built in the 1800's, so something is always broken or breaking.

This need to master tool use must be a guy thing. I say that knowing my husband isn't normally the type of guy that gets all hung up on stereotypical roles (obviously, since he's a stay at home dad), but for some reason his inability to use tools really gets under his skin.

Homemaker Man had to hang a door on the peanut's room when we moved her out of the nursery into her "big girl" room. It turned into a very long project, and still isn't really done. He measured the door like 6 times and went to home depot to buy a door. Then he hung it and it didn't fit, so he bought a planer and tried to plane it into shape.

I'm not sure if the doorway is crooked or if its my huband, but he must have shaved an inch off the side and bottom. At this point the door still needs a knob and slowly creaks open if you don't jam a sock in it. And I'll just leave it alone because I know I couldn't have done better.

Do you have any idea how long it takes to shave an inch off a door? Sadly, I do.

Swimming vs Drowning

                                                                   

I took the peanut to "family swim" last night by myself! It was totally scary because I had to talk to people I didn't know, she was slippery, wet and way too adventurous: refusing to hold my hand, suddenly plopping down, trying to walk up to her neck, jumping...

Several times I was sure I'd have to call Homemaker Man from the hospital. That would have been quite the conversation. At one point, she suddenly just sits down, so that the water is well over her head (6 to 8 inches). Then everything moves in slow motion: I panic and reach down to grab her. She looks up at me through the water; a cloud of red curls swirling around her heard -- huge green eyes open wide -- and smiles. Yes, smiles underwater. I swear, it was like she was trying to drown herself.

We went to the pool a few time before my pumpkin was born, but Homemaker Man was there and it was easier (she was also much less brave). I can't imagine how stay at home moms manage scary things like water all time. I felt like one of those Dads who takes his kids out on Saturday morning so Mom can sleep... Pathetic.

Phantom Gourmet - AKA - The Food Pimp

So, let me see... Why do I think the Phantom is full of B-O-L-O-G-N-A? 

I've been watching the Phantom since it was a baby. I've tried dozens of restaurants based on his recommendations, and I've loved many of the meals I've eaten. In fact, as college students we would often save up to eat at the local phantom picks.

However, since the deal with Viacom and the move from NE Cable News, the show has never been the same. The first problem is the host, in a word -- dull. After the original host (Billy Costa) left to do his own mediocre show, the youngest Andelman brother began hosting. He seems like an affable guy, but his level of culinary expertise is sadly lacking and his sense of humor is banal. 

Still, the real travesty lies in the show's decision to sell advertising space on the show. Because of this recent management choice, the show spends an inordinate amount of time reviewing small chains like Fireflys and Fuddruckers, having taste tests between Burger King and Wendy's or Hostess and Drakes and reviewing the same restaurants every week: Strega, the Halfway Cafe... 

They never do anything new, and they have lost the soul of the show -- discovering and evaluating local cuisine. I don't need to know about Sal's 80 lb. pizza or the Eagle Deli's burger monstrosity again. Really folks. There is more to New England's food scene than burgers, pizza, huge portions, junk food and pub grub. 

Dreaming of Electric Sheep and High Fructose Corn Syrup

Have you heard what they say about high fructose corn syrup? Apparently it's just corn?

In this era of highly processed foods I generally believe the theory that the more a food resembles its original state the better it is for you, and high fructose corn syrup couldn't look less like corn. Large corporations like Pepsi and Coca Cola started using it as a sweetener because it was cheap, which is almost never good. The product is so cheap that it has become ubiquitous and impossible to "use in moderation," as recommended. And the Corn Refiners Association of America has begun an aggressive campaign to convince consumers that HFCS is natural, which reeks of corporate propaganda. They say HFCS is natural because it comes from corn, a friendly vegetable that we loved as children. However, using the same logic, one would have to conclude that heroin is natural. After all, what could be more harmless than flowers? Foolishness, and highly suspect. 

But here's the kicker, no one seems to know if it is any worse for people than any other sweetener. Original studies showed that HFCS spiked insulin levels and created leptin resistance, which caused obesity, liver damage, and diabetes in rats and people. However, newer studies contain conflicting results. Some seem to reinforce the original findings, while others show that HFCS is no more dangerous than table sugar. I know what you're thinking: "those studies were probably done by the corn people," and you are largely correct -- but not totally. High Fructose Corn Syrup has its share of unbiased, reputable defenders (see the Time magazine article). 

It seems I can't reasonably avoid High Fructose Corn Syrup, and experts say  it may not be all bad anyway. Yet, my intuition and experience tells me that it isn't healthy and I can't use it in moderation because it is everywhere. So I ask you? What's a mom to do?